“I have always been overweight. For my entire life, I’ve always been “the fat one.” For so long, I never thought that I deserved to be happy or to be proud. I have always felt ashamed of being me and self-conscious of my body. My parents were always putting me on diets, including Weight Watchers and even the “Cabbage Soup Diet” from the time I was as young as eight years old. I remember my siblings and classmates teasing me. I remember my parents telling me I couldn’t eat this or that and that I didn’t need that cookie as they handed me a piece of fruit.
“Even as a child, I never knew how it felt to love myself or be proud of myself. Over time, that lack of self-love turned into an addiction with food. Most times, when I’d reach for a second helping, my parents would say that I had had enough or take the dish away, leaving me embarrassed and ashamed.
“This self-loathing followed me into my early 20’s. I tried to find satisfaction in alcohol and random men to dull the pain. It was nothing for me to be binge drinking every weekend as well as several days during the week. Drunken nights lead to being used by men. Sometimes I was convinced and coerced into doing things I didn’t want to do, yet I thought that if I gave them what they wanted that maybe someone would finally love me in return. For years I lost myself in my overwhelming need to be accepted by others.
“In my mid-20’s, I got into a relationship that wasn’t healthy for either of us. Neither of us knew how to love ourselves, much less each other. I was emotionally, financially, and mentally abused in this relationship for seven years. Instead of helping me fight my inner demons, my partner encouraged them. It was during this time I grew to be the heaviest I’ve ever been. I started smoking drugs every day to escape reality and have an excuse to stay at home and hide from the world. I’d call into work” sick” all the time and lie to my family and friends about my life. I was in denial about how bad it was and how bad I felt. My outside appearance reflected how I felt on the inside. I fell into a deeper and deeper depression. Now at over 400 pounds and not even 30 years old, I was the poster child for the destructive effects of emotional eating. I couldn’t climb three stairs before it felt like my knees were going to give out. I felt like my life was over.
“When I first began working out at Fit Body Boot Camp, my commitment level was next to nothing, my attendance was sporadic, and although it felt great to work out, I couldn’t stick to a consistent routine. I was in the depths of my rock bottom. These were group classes, and I was so ashamed and embarrassed by myself, and how I got to be this big, I could barely leave the house. I loved the idea of being a part of this gym but was trying to stay alive the only way I knew how back then. That cycle lasted four years into my membership, but I never quit. I continued to pay for and renew my membership even if I didn’t go for months at a time because deep down, I believed that this was the only way to accomplish my goals. I wasn’t even sure what my goals were at that point, but I always knew deep down that I had to make a change. As long as I was part of FBBC, there was hope.
“Four years in, I was ready. It was my time and now looking back, I can now say that if not for the coaches and FBBC, I’m not sure I’d be alive at this moment. The coaches became my lifeline. I put all my trust in them and to, as they say at FBBC, “trust the process.” My coach believed in me before I believed in myself. They got me, they understood my struggles and didn’t give up on me or give me more than I could handle.
“My FBBC coach made me dig deep and fight for my own life by teaching me that no one else was going to do it for me. They knew that I would have to take baby steps and work on one small goal at a time because anything more, and I would get overwhelmed. We started with a goal card on the bulletin board and put a tick on it every time I came for a workout. We didn’t work on anything else until there were 30 ticks. Then my goal was to get my water intake up. When I had 30 ticks on my goal card, we worked on me, showing up three times a week for five weeks in a row. They provided me constant support, mentally and physically. They were always there. They would check in with me daily and weekly, especially if they didn’t see me for a few days. It was thanks to the coaching I received at FBBC that I also began therapy. With the support of my coach, my family, and other people in my life, especially the ones I’ve met through FBBC, I got the courage to get out of that toxic relationship. My story wasn’t over, I had to save my own life, and I truly committed to doing that.
“After I established some good habits at FBBC, I finally started seeing results. I lost 30 pounds and 5.6% Body fat in the six weeks! It felt amazing! That’s when I ‘flipped the switch.’ After seeing that I could establish some healthy habits and that I could get results, I was starting to believe in myself. Done with the toxic relationship and starting to take control of my choices, I could begin to see the possibilities my life could take. That voice telling me I was meant to do great things got a little bit louder. For the first time in my life, I was starting to love myself.
“In the first year of commitment and focus at FBBC, I lost 100 pounds! Then, the year after that, I kept going and lost another 50 pounds! I couldn’t believe it, and I lost 150 pounds in 2 years! I felt on top of the world! I finally started to feel proud of myself, something I’ve never felt before. My coach was there for every single pound lost. They were my support on the good days and especially the bad ones. My whole FBBC family was there to support me every step of the way too. As my story was shared on social media, I would get random messages from people I hadn’t yet met that were cheering me on, letting me know that they were in my corner. I felt loved.
“Soon after that summer ended, my job changed, and I was working full-time night shifts. The weight crept back on and suddenly within six months, I realized I had gained 70 pounds back. I was depressed from working the night shifts and gaining the weight. I was miserable and angry that I let myself get to that point – again. I spent so long focusing on losing weight. I had forgotten how to create a balanced life. It didn’t take long for that voice to go quiet again. Could I do great things? Or did I have my shot and blow it?
“FBBC was still there, though, and the coaches were always in my ear and the gym. I never quit. Even though my attendance was sporadic again, and I started to feel that darkness of depression, I knew I couldn’t give up. I fought for this life and saw what was possible. I couldn’t give up now. This challenge has changed my life! I lost 41 pounds and 20 inches in 8 weeks. I hit my goal of being able to say once again, “I’ve lost 150 pounds!” I’ve gained so much confidence in these last eight weeks. I feel like a new person. I’m finally starting to be proud of me and what I’ve accomplished.
“‘Proud.’ I’m not sure if I’ve ever said that about myself. I’ve struggled with that word for as long as I can remember. This challenge has taught me to be proud, no matter how small or insignificant my daily victories appear to others. I’m incredibly grateful that I have FBBC to help me continue to grow as a person and that I have friends and family around me that love and support me even when I find it hard to love myself. I am grateful that I have a good life and breath in my lungs. I’m thankful for everything that I have accomplished up until this moment! I’m living for today, being grateful, and embracing whatever comes my way! I’ve had a lot of ups and downs over the years, but I continue to show up for myself. I don’t hide from the world anymore. That’s what FBBC has done for me. FBBC taught me to fight for my life. Everyday. Today, I am proud of the person I am today because I’ve fought to become her. I plan to get a tattoo that reads “I’m the hero of this story; I don’t need to be saved.”
— Janelle Dykstra
